i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
