You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
