I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
