11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
