i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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