So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
