Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
