you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
