just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
