Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
