I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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