Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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