and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
