Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
