you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
