90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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