My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
