we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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