I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Houston, we have a squirter
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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