Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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