so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
