Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
