You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
