OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
