I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
sarcasm needs its own font
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
