I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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