I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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