I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
