don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The air was thick with penises
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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