her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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