there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
