saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
