your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
