The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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