capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
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He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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