life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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