I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
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