I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
