@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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