New low: just hacked my moms facebook
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
