i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
