Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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