i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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