I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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