Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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