Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I want her autograph on my taint
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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