i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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