Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
