If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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