Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
And then he peed in my hair
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