I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
