Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
