Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
