Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
