I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Dick very happy bro
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
