you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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