I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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