I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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