what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
