saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
