ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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