Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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